I'll stop beating around the bush and just come out and tell you what I'm not telling you.
In June, we found out that the baby we were expecting in January had died. Two ultrasounds confirmed that the heart wasn't beating. I insisted on the second because I just didn't want to believe the first one. I prayed and hoped that God would restart my baby's heart. He did not.
On June 24th I had a D & C. A couple days later my doctor called (it is never good if your doctor is calling you) and said the pathology report indicated that I had a partial molar pregnancy. A what-what?!?
Of course I had no idea what that was. It is pretty rare. My investigative personality took over and I soon knew everything that could be found out online about partial molar pregnancies. Briefly, this is a condition where a fetus is formed but the placenta tissue continues to develop abnormally and creates a tumor called a "mole". The tissue eventually overtakes the fetus and it dies. With this condition the fetus is also genetically flawed in such a way that it is not compatible with life (it has too many chromosomes.)
Since the D & C my blood has been drawn weekly to make sure the pregnancy hormone (hCG) is decreasing. Unfortunately my numbers have not been dropping quickly or steadily enough. I had another ultrasound that confirmed the molar tissue had returned. I was diagnosed with "Persistent Gestational Trophoblastic Disease." Disease. I. Have. A. Disease. Don't worry. I'm not contagious.
My ob/gyn sent me to consult with a gynecologic oncologist last week. An oncologist. I thought only seriously ill people see an oncologist. What did that mean about me? It means I was being a drama queen.
He said there are three ways to treat this condition: a hysterectomy, another D & C or chemo (or some combination thereof.) Of course I already knew this because I had done a ton of research.
I immediately nixed the hysterectomy. I'd really like to use my uterus again.
He ran some tests, we discussed the options and last Thursday I received my first (and hopefully last) round of chemo. I can hardly believe what I just wrote. I had chemo. Chemo. CHEMO. The mental side effects were much worse than the physical ones. I've felt pretty much the same physically but I won't lie, the mental acceptance that I received chemo was kinda tough.
I allowed myself to wallow in self pity for the rest of Thursday and then Friday I decided to get on with life. Life was getting on with our without me so I put on my "to go" panties, as my cousin Chotze would say, and got going. I mean, this is life. It is completely unrealistic to hope or believe that I will be exempted from trials and tribulations.
Anyway, so now you know what I've not been blogging about. Whew! I'm glad I got that off my chest. Now if I could just get this mole out of my uterus... ;)
I hope to blog again soon regarding some deep spiritual truth God is revealing through all of this (actually, I'm waiting on that memo myself.) If He shares that truth with me, you'll be the first to know. And by all means, if He shares it with you please share with me. I'm in a particularly teachable stage in my life.